Snarking about Fall Trends by Rachel Zoe

Rachel Zoe's fall trends, from top left:
1. Maxi dresses.
2. Dark denim.
3. Jewel tones.
4. Sequins.
5. Statement necklaces.

While it would be too easy for us to spend an entire post snarking about Rachel Zoe (She looks like a piece of fruit leather! She's destroying the fashion world faster than Ed Hardy! She's hiding both Olson twins in her hair!), we'll stick to the "fashion" this time.

See any problems, dear Snarkers? Let's attack things one at a time:

1. Maxi dresses. Dearest Rachel, unless we've started sniffing some of your wonderdrugs, it looks as though you're reporting on FALL trends. Might we be the first to remind you of the seasons? You know, those shifts in weather and temperatures that occur four times a year? Now, now, we realize that you're primarily LA-based and that you, like everyone else in LA, really do believe that the universe is centered around SoCal, but the rest of us live in a place where fall is a prelude for winter. This means that while LA might be gearing up for the positively blizzard-like 60 degree temperatures that accompany November out west, we're gearing up for, well, actual blizzards, making maxi dresses in the fall about as appropriate as bacon at a bar mitzvah (shamelessly ganked from Ben Lee - we're not that witty.).

Furthermore, we take issue with the idea that maxi dresses "would look good on anyone." Nay, Rachel. Clearly you've never dressed a client bigger than a C-cup. Nothing screams "I'm seemingly pregnant but still want to flash my ta-tas all over town" louder than a v-neck empire waist maxi dress on the wrong girl.

In conclusion, B says, "I thought we were almost done with this shit." J agrees. Maxi dresses are over-played and out of season (literally). Downgrade.

2. Dark denim. Oh, lord. Dark denim? Really? This is the latest and greatest idea from someone who's being paid to think about fashion? We've almost got nothing to say because this idea is so boring. Dark denim's been a fall/winter staple for years. This trend's been around so long, it's starting to bud off into little dark denim babies. Downgrade.

3. Jewel tones. Oh, lord. Jewel tones? Really? This is the latest and greatest idea from someone who's being paid to think about fashion? We've almost got nothing to say because this idea is so boring. Jewel tones have been a fall/winter staple for years. This trend's been around so long, it's starting to bud off into little jewel-toned babies. Downgrade.

4. Sequins. Okay, disclaimer: this idea is nothing new and exciting. However, B's passionate distaste for and J's obsessive love of this trend merits more than just a re-hash of points 2 and 3. While the pink sequins shown above belong on nothing other than clothing worn by grade schoolers (and our dance costumes from about that same age range), J sees nothing wrong with the occasion gold or black sequined frock. B says this reminds her of THE shirt (a multi-colored sequin-collared shirt worn too many times by these bloggers freshman year of college, otherwise known as "the boob shirt") and gives this a downgrade. J can't be persuaded to give up her love for light-catching embellishments, especially her gold sequined vintage dress found at Goodwill that's reminiscent of the Burberry Prorsum that Sienna Miller wore back in 2006 (B half unwillingly approves of The Dress...though she'll never admit to it in person.). Tie.

5. Statement necklaces. Oh, lord. Statement necklaces? Really? This is the latest and greatest idea from someone who's being paid to think about fashion? We've almost got nothing to say because this idea is so boring. Statement necklaces have been a year-round statement for a while. This trend's been around so long, it's starting to bud off into little statement necklace babies.

That said, the major issue J has with this is that a statement necklace on top of a jewel tone on top of a boot/heavy shoe on top of dark tights on top of winter makeup on top of a winter fabric is just too heavy. Yes, statement necklaces do make for a great contrast against an otherwise neutral or near-neutral outfit, but it's easy to overdo it. J would much rather see layered chains (no, not groundbreaking, but arguably more exciting than a statement necklace due to the edge chains can bring) or a single stone than a chunky statement necklace. Downgrade.

Moral of the story? Rachel Zoe is fucking slacking. Next thing you know, she'll be saying that the LBD is a wardrobe essential and trumpeting it like she came up with the idea herself. While the pseudo-celeb mantra of maxi dresses, big sunglasses, and barely-there diets Zoe piloted a while back grew old after a bit, at least it was a change from what middle America was already doing. These Midwesterners are thoroughly unimpressed.

Also, dear god. We hope the pile of handbags ol' Zoe is toting around there is headed for the dumpster. Downgrade.

Photo courtesy of HauteLook.