Friday, December 25, 2009

Happy (Snarky) Holidays!

Happy holidays to all of our readers out there (all none of you...)! Instead of endorsing any particular religious/political/spiritual/etc. holiday with pictures of trees and gifts and menorahs and whatnot, we'll just leave you with a picture of where you wish you were:

Happy eating/food comas to you all!

Photo courtesy of Not that we're endorsing them, either (but we'd gladly take a free trip or two if you're offering...).

Friday, December 11, 2009

Your "Jersey Shore" Name Is...

You know what? Let's just be honest. "Jersey Shore" is a shitshow, and we love it. What sounds better than a show about a bunch of drunk fake-bakers who each single-handedly keep Ed Hardy in business? Recently discovered by these Snarkers: Enjoy. We're just waiting for Dina and Teresa to show up somewhere.

PS, we'll only be responding to "The Rack" and "The Paris Hilton of Trenton" from now on. You've been warned.

PPS, here's another one: Guido me!

Hair Care (or Lack Thereof...)

Let's snark about hair, kids.

We'd be lying if we said we hadn't noticed the latest red carpet rage: bedhead. We'd also be lying if we said we didn't have opinions about this. While we've finally accepted that 2009 will be sartorially remembered as the year where nobody brushed their hair, there's a spin-off of that trend we're not too happy about. Since finals are upon us and we're quite tired, let's keep this brief.

You know those things you see in a store that make you wonder, "Did the designer forget something? Like, to finish the garment? Run out of dye halfway through, perhaps?" That's ombre, otherwise known as the color pattern normally associated with grade-school forays into tie-dye (not that we don't love a good grade-school craft project. Don't even question it.). While the rest of us are watching our pennies by eating out less or reverting back to freshman year booze brands, it seems that the fashion world has decided to simply stop hair maintenance and call it "ombre hair" the latest trend.

There's almost too much to say about this. Juxtaposing feminine, lady-like pieces with tougher pieces is one thing, but this is just dumb. Since when did lazy become fashionable? Downgrade.

Photo courtesy of WhoWhatWear.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Twilight Still Sucks...

...but for other reasons now. We here at Room for Snark have a wee little bone to pick with you, America. J wants to know how old the underage pig-nosed one (fine, Taylor) is. B says about 17. Yet he's posing on the cover of Rolling Stone with a wet t-shirt? Isn't he still a minor? We say yes.

Anyone else see a problem with this?

America (and yes, we're still referring to the big undivided united one here - all 380 million of you) threw a shit-fit when little tiny minor Miley Cyrus was wrapped up in an Annie Leibovitz-approved bedsheet but have no problem objectifying a 17-year-old boy who's in the equivalent of a wet t-shirt contest on the cover of another magazine.

Double standards for post-Thanksgiving dessert, anyone?

Twilight Sucks.

Just stop, America. Notice we didn't say "just stop, 13 year old girls and over-excited mothers who apparently aren't happy with their home lives." We said America. That's right, we're talking to you, nation, as a big, giant, united, undivided-and-therefore-cannot-fall whole. Just fucking stop.

We can't turn on the TV or the radio or read our favorite checkout lane-only tabloids without seeing these freaking fake vampires and the NOT-THAT-PRETTY CAST spread all over the front page. We could handle this for the first year or so, but it's getting old. There's only so many ways to combine "Kristen and Rob might possible be fucking and or engaged but are definitely standing close enough for them to maybe like each other" before you just get repetitive. And boring.

Now, we could blog infinitely about legitimate concerns we have with the actual writing of the novels. Our deep hatred for Twilight began back when this little shitshow was just a book, just a hastily thrown-together vampire fan fiction aimed at self-conscious pre-teens who needed the love and caring advice of a fucking vampire that sparkles. We mean, seriously? Sparkling vampires? Isn't the whole point of vampires that they, like, can't go out in the sun and shit otherwise they turn to dust? Oh, you just wanted to completely rewrite vampire lore, Stephenie Meyer? That's cool, we guess. Except it's also fucking stupid.

Whatever. We could handle the wacky plotline and crazy-ass sparkling vampires until this gem became two movies and a worldwide phenomenon. Now we're pretty sure it's just interfering with day to day life. And by the way, what on earth is in the water that's making everybody think that Rob Pattinson and Taylor Lautner are the hottest things since the Backstreet Boys? Has anybody noticed that one has a crooked face and the underage one literally could get swine flu? We feel like Mugatu. WE FEEL LIKE WE'RE TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!!

If this is what the world was like back when Titanic was all the rage, then we'd like to offer a heartfelt apology to our parents and basically the entire world. That probably sucked. Except we're really not sorry about Titanic...because at least Leo was hot. (And still is. Leo, call us!)

Friday, October 30, 2009

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

We'll keep this brief: Halloween is the best fucking holiday of the year. The pumpkins, the candy, the costumes. Hell yeah, count us in. Watch out Columbus, here comes a Christmas tree and Joan Holloway!!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Snarking about Coffee

As it has already been said, here at Room for Snark we are fans of many things: pretty and impractical shoes, the sale book racks at Barnes and Noble's, cardigans in every shape and color. And the driving force behind all of our loves: caffeine. We're the first to admit that we are totally caffeine junkies. To exasperate this addiction, B spent two years as a barista at local coffee shops on campus and took full advantage of free coffee for herself and her lovely friends, aka J. So, it pains B to say that she has found the one thing that is worse than no coffee in the morning: Folger's coffee in the morning. It had been years since this slop had graced our coffee pots, but B's currently living on the salary of a grad student, and that recently has meant that she's drinking Folgers. After weeks of trying to review synaptic mechanisms before 9am with a turning stomach, it dawned on her: "I'm drinking piss water that is literally eating away at my stomach." With that being said, the take home point from Room for Snark: Folgers, go fuck yourself for making a terrible battery acid of a coffee. And now B counts down the days until she can buy real coffee... EPIC DOWNGRADE.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Garter Belts for Jailbait?

We here at Room for Snark strongly believe that there are a few things about a woman that should just be kept personal or among close friends/significant others (weight, cup size, real age, etc.). Placed squarely in the middle of that category is lingerie preferences. Seriously, who other than your boyfriend/girlfriend/fuck buddy needs to know that you prefer thigh-highs and garter belts when you're romping around in the bedroom? Call us old-fashioned, but anything that looks like it came from Agent Provocateur has a time, a place, and definitely a target audience. Well, according to the recent runways and most-photographed "style mavens," that time is always, that place is everyone, and that audience is just about everybody. Even more disturbing is the increasing number of girls - and yes, we mean little girls - who seem hellbent on strutting their yet-to-hit-puberty stuff in things our mamas would never let us wear out of the house.

Oh, just kidding, y'all!!! That little girl is Taylor Momsen! It's okay that's she's parading around in lingerie even though she's barely old enough to drive! Jesus, J isn't even comfortable writing this. She's a little scared Chris Hansen's going to pop up at any minute, and she's not wearing her "running from the police" shoes today.

There are two main issues here:
1. Garter belts in public look RIDICULOUS.
2. Taylor Momsen in a garter belt is quite honestly something we never thought our eyes would have to witness.

Let's snark point by point, shall we?

1. Yes, Dita von Teese and her little wanna-be Evan Rachel Wood have done a lot to sensationalize "old glamour" and pin-up girls lately. And yes, Queen Dita is, well, known for dressing up in garter belts and lingerie and then taking them off. And we love her for that. But she doesn't freaking do it for the paps, kids. Strippers at the Silver Bullet are classier than a lot of these new lingerie looks. What ever happened to the air of mystery surrounding the way women dressed? What ever happened to keeping a few things secret? Don't get us wrong, we love tights and stockings in any shape, pattern, and size (except footless - there's a clearly defined line between acceptable leggings and god-awful footless tights), but thigh highs and garter belts are taking it a bit too far.

Call us old-fashioned, but this isn't quite the sensationalization that we want. There's a difference between a good Dolce & Gabbana dress that picks the girls up from off the ground and positions them right in the line of sight and literally wearing garter belts in public. You don't see Peggy and Joan parading around the office wearing just their naughty bits, do you? Byrdie Bell, it honestly just looks like you forgot to finish getting dressed.

2. Taylor Momsen is 16. We get that she's Little J. We get that she's too "mature" and "hip" for her age, or whatever other bullshit she spews in her interviews. That doesn't change the fact that she's a little girl. J's little brother is 15. If he started walking around in banana hammocks and Chippendale bowties, she'd stage an intervention. We don't expect you to start dressing like a child, but for everyone's sake, Tay-Tay, please don't wear this. The only difference between you and Courtney Love right now is the busted-ness of your respective faces. We're pretty sure even ol' Courtney's wearing more clothes than you right now, and that's saying a lot. Since when is it cool for teenagers barely old enough to drive (sorry if we're being repetitive here) to look like a walking one-night-stand? Put some clothes on, child. You've got your 20s to dress like a slutty trainwreck.

Again, call us old fogies, call us not cool enough to "get" fashion, call us whatever. We did grow up in the heart of the Midwest, otherwise known as the place fashion goes to die. But seriously, ladies, garter belts? What's next? Pretty soon, the now-infamous Lohan-Ungaro sequin pasties will be all that's required to pass as dressed. Who knows. Maybe these public lovers of lingerie are just celebrating Halloween early. After all, in the words of Barney Stinson, "if she's a witch...she's a SLUTTY witch!" Honestly, we're thrilled that the fashion from the '40s, '50s, and '60s is coming back. We just wish these girls wouldn't forget the rest of their clothes.

Photo courtsey of WhoWhatWear.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Snarking about Fall Trends by Rachel Zoe

Rachel Zoe's fall trends, from top left:
1. Maxi dresses.
2. Dark denim.
3. Jewel tones.
4. Sequins.
5. Statement necklaces.

While it would be too easy for us to spend an entire post snarking about Rachel Zoe (She looks like a piece of fruit leather! She's destroying the fashion world faster than Ed Hardy! She's hiding both Olson twins in her hair!), we'll stick to the "fashion" this time.

See any problems, dear Snarkers? Let's attack things one at a time:

1. Maxi dresses. Dearest Rachel, unless we've started sniffing some of your wonderdrugs, it looks as though you're reporting on FALL trends. Might we be the first to remind you of the seasons? You know, those shifts in weather and temperatures that occur four times a year? Now, now, we realize that you're primarily LA-based and that you, like everyone else in LA, really do believe that the universe is centered around SoCal, but the rest of us live in a place where fall is a prelude for winter. This means that while LA might be gearing up for the positively blizzard-like 60 degree temperatures that accompany November out west, we're gearing up for, well, actual blizzards, making maxi dresses in the fall about as appropriate as bacon at a bar mitzvah (shamelessly ganked from Ben Lee - we're not that witty.).

Furthermore, we take issue with the idea that maxi dresses "would look good on anyone." Nay, Rachel. Clearly you've never dressed a client bigger than a C-cup. Nothing screams "I'm seemingly pregnant but still want to flash my ta-tas all over town" louder than a v-neck empire waist maxi dress on the wrong girl.

In conclusion, B says, "I thought we were almost done with this shit." J agrees. Maxi dresses are over-played and out of season (literally). Downgrade.

2. Dark denim. Oh, lord. Dark denim? Really? This is the latest and greatest idea from someone who's being paid to think about fashion? We've almost got nothing to say because this idea is so boring. Dark denim's been a fall/winter staple for years. This trend's been around so long, it's starting to bud off into little dark denim babies. Downgrade.

3. Jewel tones. Oh, lord. Jewel tones? Really? This is the latest and greatest idea from someone who's being paid to think about fashion? We've almost got nothing to say because this idea is so boring. Jewel tones have been a fall/winter staple for years. This trend's been around so long, it's starting to bud off into little jewel-toned babies. Downgrade.

4. Sequins. Okay, disclaimer: this idea is nothing new and exciting. However, B's passionate distaste for and J's obsessive love of this trend merits more than just a re-hash of points 2 and 3. While the pink sequins shown above belong on nothing other than clothing worn by grade schoolers (and our dance costumes from about that same age range), J sees nothing wrong with the occasion gold or black sequined frock. B says this reminds her of THE shirt (a multi-colored sequin-collared shirt worn too many times by these bloggers freshman year of college, otherwise known as "the boob shirt") and gives this a downgrade. J can't be persuaded to give up her love for light-catching embellishments, especially her gold sequined vintage dress found at Goodwill that's reminiscent of the Burberry Prorsum that Sienna Miller wore back in 2006 (B half unwillingly approves of The Dress...though she'll never admit to it in person.). Tie.

5. Statement necklaces. Oh, lord. Statement necklaces? Really? This is the latest and greatest idea from someone who's being paid to think about fashion? We've almost got nothing to say because this idea is so boring. Statement necklaces have been a year-round statement for a while. This trend's been around so long, it's starting to bud off into little statement necklace babies.

That said, the major issue J has with this is that a statement necklace on top of a jewel tone on top of a boot/heavy shoe on top of dark tights on top of winter makeup on top of a winter fabric is just too heavy. Yes, statement necklaces do make for a great contrast against an otherwise neutral or near-neutral outfit, but it's easy to overdo it. J would much rather see layered chains (no, not groundbreaking, but arguably more exciting than a statement necklace due to the edge chains can bring) or a single stone than a chunky statement necklace. Downgrade.

Moral of the story? Rachel Zoe is fucking slacking. Next thing you know, she'll be saying that the LBD is a wardrobe essential and trumpeting it like she came up with the idea herself. While the pseudo-celeb mantra of maxi dresses, big sunglasses, and barely-there diets Zoe piloted a while back grew old after a bit, at least it was a change from what middle America was already doing. These Midwesterners are thoroughly unimpressed.

Also, dear god. We hope the pile of handbags ol' Zoe is toting around there is headed for the dumpster. Downgrade.

Photo courtesy of HauteLook.