Sunday, November 29, 2009

Twilight Sucks.

Just stop, America. Notice we didn't say "just stop, 13 year old girls and over-excited mothers who apparently aren't happy with their home lives." We said America. That's right, we're talking to you, nation, as a big, giant, united, undivided-and-therefore-cannot-fall whole. Just fucking stop.

We can't turn on the TV or the radio or read our favorite checkout lane-only tabloids without seeing these freaking fake vampires and the NOT-THAT-PRETTY CAST spread all over the front page. We could handle this for the first year or so, but it's getting old. There's only so many ways to combine "Kristen and Rob might possible be fucking and or engaged but are definitely standing close enough for them to maybe like each other" before you just get repetitive. And boring.

Now, we could blog infinitely about legitimate concerns we have with the actual writing of the novels. Our deep hatred for Twilight began back when this little shitshow was just a book, just a hastily thrown-together vampire fan fiction aimed at self-conscious pre-teens who needed the love and caring advice of a fucking vampire that sparkles. We mean, seriously? Sparkling vampires? Isn't the whole point of vampires that they, like, can't go out in the sun and shit otherwise they turn to dust? Oh, you just wanted to completely rewrite vampire lore, Stephenie Meyer? That's cool, we guess. Except it's also fucking stupid.

Whatever. We could handle the wacky plotline and crazy-ass sparkling vampires until this gem became two movies and a worldwide phenomenon. Now we're pretty sure it's just interfering with day to day life. And by the way, what on earth is in the water that's making everybody think that Rob Pattinson and Taylor Lautner are the hottest things since the Backstreet Boys? Has anybody noticed that one has a crooked face and the underage one literally could get swine flu? We feel like Mugatu. WE FEEL LIKE WE'RE TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!!

If this is what the world was like back when Titanic was all the rage, then we'd like to offer a heartfelt apology to our parents and basically the entire world. That probably sucked. Except we're really not sorry about Titanic...because at least Leo was hot. (And still is. Leo, call us!)

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